Writer: Ryan Kalisz
Date:Tuesday October 2 2012
Hello and welcome to Vital Stoke`s 'Mock of the Day` where we look at the things happening in and around the Britannia that perhaps have been slightly exaggerated… oh ok exaggerated quite a bit… oh fine, completely fabricated nonsense. It`s about as real as Arsene Wenger`s sense of humour or Joey Barton`s decorum, but it`s all in the name of entertainment and something different to clog up the newsreel.
Police have been investigating reports of a missing baseball cap belonging to Tony Pulis himself. A statement made by the local authorities said: "we are putting all our power and resources into finding that dearly beloved cap of Mr. Pulis` whilst we leave all other crimes such as burglaries, assaults, and David James` hairstyles to our ever present PCSO`s and elderly neighbourhood watches." Those close to Pulis have said that he is coping remarkably well given the circumstances, although did point out that he has 17 other caps in his trophy cupboard to choose from. Tony refused to make much comment when asked as he held back the tears, although he did tell Vital Stoke that: "I`m finding it very 'aaard to look myself in the mirror because the sun shines off my head, bounces off the mirror, magnifies through my glasses and blinds both my eyes" he continued "I feel like a right Herbert without my cap". The investigation continues, but latest lead suggest that a fairly tall male with orange hair and a poor shot-to-goal ratio is responsible.
In the face! In the faaaace!!
Recently, defender Andy Wilkinson has apologised to the footballing world for not elbowing Mario Bellendatelli with more force. The FA have slapped the reliable defender with a three-match ban after reviewing a close-up video of the incident over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again concluding: "the Stoke City player was simply stupid to commit such an action when he clearly could have turned around and lamped him instead". Mario wasn`t available for comment because when we visited his hotel room in Manchester, there appeared to be many women making rather strange noises from inside. Chelsea skipper John Terry just happened to be wandering around however and he said: "I`ll finish the job don`t worry! By the way, where is Mario`s girlfriend`s room?".
Huth was it?
Robert Huth has been helping police find a muscular German man who brutally beat up a whole council estate of chavs. It`s believed that more than 100 chavs have been found with severe bruising as they lay in a puddle of their own urine. We congratulated Huth on behalf of the police for helping them out by offering him a handshake, but he declined in case the bandages fell off his knuckles. Investigations continue.
Hats your lot
BREAKING NEWS: Tony`s cap has been found safe and sound. All along it was in Tony`s other cupboard where he keeps the key to the city. Since the safe return of the baseball cap, Pulis has visited his local Specsavers for a check-up.
Holidays from HELL
Stoke fans are to feature in the latest series of Holidays from Hell on itv1. After they were illegally held and messed about for hours on end in Spain somewhere, they were refunded for troubles but some Stokies are still annoyed by the whole palaver. A recent poll has concluded that they would never pay to go back again, but a freebie back wouldn`t go a miss.
That`s all for this time on Mock of the Day. If this is something you`d like to see on a more regular basis then please give us your thoughts by commenting below and we`ll work on digging for the cutting edge of journalistic bullsh*t. From the News of the World ruins, I`m Ryan Kalisz, and until next time, GOOOAARN STOKE!
Date:Tuesday October 2 2012
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