Writer: Ryan Kalisz
Date:Sunday July 31 2011
My mate Harry Moss is a budding writer hoping to peruse a career in journalism, or so he likes to think. In reality, the only times he`s ever pulled his finger out is to release flatulence violently. Contradictory to this however, he was extremely keen to be interviewed, taking the opportunity to share his rather unique perspective with the world-wide web, so I can hardly kick him for piping up and giving it a go can I? Perhaps he`ll put it on his CV or something.
RYAN KALISZ: Right ok let`s start with the mild interrogation. First of all tell us a bit about yourself. Obviously I know who you are and what you`re like because I`ve sympathetically kept you company for the past couple of years, but sum yourself up for our readers.
HARRY MOSS: Well foremost I'm an avid Nicholas Cage fan. I've seen almost every one of his movies numerous times and I just can't get over his performances on screen, he's the pinnacle of acting talent. My favorite Nick Cage film is the remake of The Wickerman. I'm a great supporter of takeaways and the fast food industry and take a personal interest and involvement in it. I play Badminton once a week (the same night you chat up elderly women at Pilates I believe). I enjoy Greek philosophy, and have a particular interest in metaphysics and ontology. I find fulfillment in the works of Shakespeare, and I also recreate in pop culture and modern media. I could go on but I don't want to interest everyone to death.
RK: Hey, the women at Pilates are very nice! I merely indulge in banter about the weather and pensions whilst restoring their faith in the youth of today. Hmm… what I just said could ruin my credibility and reputation, and I don`t think the darkly humoured comeback that has just suddenly sprung to mind; "Besides, I`m not into necrophilia" would do me any favours whatsoever. So let`s painfully move on to the next question. Being an armchair fan - and that`s on occasions - I`m guessing you`ll have a somewhat 'on the fence` opinion about football teams, but what is your honest opinion about Stoke City? Put your neck on the line and say what you think, don`t worry, I won`t publish your address…
HM: I used to actively support Stoke, a lot more than I do at the moment, but I try to keep vaguely up to date with what goes on. Stoke are scum, but a good kind of scum, and you know where you stand with Stoke. There's a genuine sense of pride amongst the fans, (which we all know often crosses the borders of violence towards the opposition and closeted homosexuality amongst fellow fans) and I think that's super. Awareness of Stoke is spreading much like a disease and soon enough I'm sure it will continue to do so if Stoke continue to perform well and improve. Stoke fans have loud voices.
RK: Scum?? Scum!!?? Are you sure you`re not Sam Taylor from Life on Mars living in the 70`s? Allow me to be Gene Hunt; 'shut your gob! Or I'll come round your house and stamp on all your toys. We`re nowhere near scum you dozy git, you wouldn`t know scum if it came up to you stabbed you repeatedly with a rusty needle`. Now back to me in 2011; just because we are untied in our pride and passion, vocally projecting to profound and deafening decibels, and showing the world who we are, where we`re from, and who we support, doesn`t mean we`re automatically scum! What is 'good scum` anyway? And for the record, our growing popularity isn`t like a disease at all! I`d say more like a series of epiphanies within isolated accent tribes that have always thought the accepted practices of the good footballing society is the 'pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, dribble, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass` formula. We`re unique and have our own style that it is certainly working out for us, and it`s so much more thrilling and compelling to watch. Speaking of boringness; we have a mutual friend who supports West Brom don`t we? And just like West Brom, we always beat him in everything. So if you had to make a sweeping generalisation on every Baggie fan based on our friend, what would their personalities and demeanor be like? Readers; Harry`s address will be posted on the forum in due course.
HM: Good question. Based on the West Brom fan template you have provided me with, I'd have to say that all West Brom fans are excessively violent, whilst not being at all physically intimidating. I'd also have to say that all Baggies wear Chinos, sport a fantastically large mole on their faces and compensate for a less than averagely sized appendage between their legs by placing a cucumber down there and consistently slouching. I'd also say they were very 'touchy feely` types of people. They'd be right characters.
RK: I refer back to something you said in your previous answer; "the closeted homosexuality amongst fellow fans". I think that would help to summarise your description. Ok, let`s make this fair… same question, however base all Stoke fans on me.
HM: 74 year old men trapped in the bodies of 19 year old lesbians.
RK: You`ll go far with that truly fascinating and wondrous imagination of yours Harry. On that note, do you think Stoke fans are the loudest in the country at the very least?
HM: Quite simply, yes. But we both know an exception to the rule; a small, rotund, big breasted, cheekily chubby, potential serial killer, mutual friend of ours who has a taste for oatcakes. If you alone turned up to a Stoke game (which must have happened at some point I'm sure) the noise of the opposing fans would be drowned out.
RK: Ah yes, our very own 100th wonder of the world. I say 100th because it`s only us who wonder about him as he refuses to do anything remotely self publicising for me (like answer some questions for Vital Stoke) which prevents others from seeing into his mind and wondering 'what created this` themselves. Thank you for the compliment Harry, but there never has, and never will be, a time when I`m the only fan to turn up. Anyway back to you; have you ever been to the Britannia Stadium? And if not, would you like to go?
HM: Yeah of course, loads of times, although not for a while. The smell of urine and badly cooked chips keep me at bay for now.
RK: I think you`ll find that`s the smell of your clothes Harry. Getting down to the nitty-gritty now, what`s your knowledge on our latest signing Jonathan Woodgate?
HM: Jonathan Simon Woodgate (born 22 January 1980) is an English footballer who plays for Stoke City in the Premier League.
Woodgate started his football career at Leeds United were he established himself in the starting eleven however Woodgate was sold to Newcastle United for £9 million in January 2003. He impressed at Newcastle but he also suffered a number of injury problems. His performances in Europe for Newcastle led to Spanish giants Real Madrid signing Woodgate for £13.4 million in August 2004. Injuries blighted his time in Madrid as he failed to make a single appearance during the entire 2004-05 season. He endured an awful debut for Real Madrid as he scored an own goal and was later sent off for two bookable offences.
He went on to play 14 times for Los Blancos before re-joining his home town club Middlesbrough on loan before joining the Teesside club permanently for a fee of £7million. He then joined Tottenham Hotspur for the same amount in January 2008. He scored the winning goal for Spurs in the League Cup Final against Chelsea and went on to play 44 times during the 2008-09 season. However after more injury problems he only made four appearances in the next two seasons and was released in June 2011. In July 2011 he signed on a pay-as-you-play deal with Stoke City.
RK: You seem to have an impressively vast knowledge of his history there, all I can say is, thank God for Wikipedia hey? So, using your own knowledge now, who do you think Stoke City should be signing?
HM: Gordon Banks. He's still got it in him.
RK: I think you`ve been sat in that armchair scoffing takeaway chips and urinating for too long. The new season`s only a couple of weeks away now, how do you think we`ll fare?
HM: I think Stoke will finish as they have done the last couple of seasons, if not a bit better; improving at a slow, steady and safe rate.
RK: Vague but I agree. We`ve seemingly established ourselves after Pulis` 3-year-plan to avoid relegation, and retain our Premier League status, which we`ve achieved by attaining respectable positions in the mid-table. I`d like to think we`ll push on to secure a place in the top 10 this season, and just keep progressing place by place each season with no extremely expensive risks that could potentially prove to be costly naivety. Yes spend and bring in new faces, but the trick is to budget yourself and not go over the limit to buy big names just because of who they are. But nothing like that would happen under Pulis and Coates anyway; they`ll look for the best quality for the best price and that`s how all businesses are run. Anyway. We`ve now had our very first Europa League match and we beat Croatian side Hajduk Split 1-0, but do you think the extra games alongside the Premier League and the Cups will affect our fitness levels?
HM: It could increase the substitution rate and yes, have an impact on overall fitness, but I don't think it will have any real noticeable impact on Stoke's play for fans. If it does, it`ll only be very slightly.
RK Let`s hope so, but we`re not too fussed about the Europa League anyway. Call it an added bonus to our ever continuing ambition for success. It`s a bit on the side. A somewhat significant other alongside our hopefully long lasting love affair with the Premier League. If we fall out early, we won`t pine for it, we`ll see it as fun while it lasted and focus back on our main priorities in the League. Finally, where do you see Stoke in five years time?
HM: So long as Harry Redknapp stays as manager, I think we'll be doing brilliantly with a some top 8 finishes.
RK: Harry 'Heart-Attack-Red` Redknapp?? Listen Harry son, if you peel yourself away from the armchair, there is a wonderful world outside the living room and in fact, outside your house too. It has a civilization, and most importantly, oxygen for your brain. Thank you Harry for what has been… erm… the most unusual pile of drivel within interview I`ve ever heard, and replied with during my time with Vital Stoke. It was both aggravating, yet intriguing. It has been nice knowing you.
Date:Sunday July 31 2011
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Stats: Stoke City v Arsenal (Sunday March 2 2014)
Walters penalty fire down Gunners (Sunday March 2 2014)
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